Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.