i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.