i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
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I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?