I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
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A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.