Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

orange cat behavior

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no