I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
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Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
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My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Breaking news:
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