Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Is this a threat?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.