@1InTheStinker

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it
Apparently, she left me a few days ago

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@kumailn

Million dollar idea: Nutella, but super healthy.

@rachelle_mandik

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

@Cheeseboy22

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

@golubeerji

‘Pennywise pound foolish’ is a very derogatory way of describing a clown’s sexual partner.

@KylePlantEmoji

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@RJCity1

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

@FlyJ_

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

@Breadery

My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
Me: Thanks.

@SirEviscerate

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG