Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”