I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
You Might Also Like
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
WWE is French for “yes”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
How I’d get arrested…
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
british sex workers really pound for pound
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
