I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?