I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
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Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Meow
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I love the honesty
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.