I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I need this for my side hustle.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”