Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.