I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
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Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?