Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

it’s not been my year

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.