I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
You Might Also Like
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Zack Greinke stories are the best
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
