Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone