I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I only treason on days ending in y
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.