Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

Man these end times are taking forever

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great