I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time