Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*