I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
ok this is my dumbest yet
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one