I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
A short story about romance.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
You have been warned.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.