i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.