i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
what’s the point then??
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon