Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

rapatouille

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit