I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
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Me: Same
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.