I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*watches the world burn*
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it