I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!