I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back