I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
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My neck my back my allergy attack
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink