I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
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I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I didn’t come here to be called names
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The Others (2001)
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado