I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
stop
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐