i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
A roof is a house hat.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.