I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Is this a threat?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I’m not proud
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”