Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Pretty much. 🤣

When you kidnap a writer.

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

I love wikipedia

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

what

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.