Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

I told my vodka about you.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard