Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long