I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
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I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
That’s a good costume, I hope.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.