I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Camping tip: No.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.