I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Lmao
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.