Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

Everyone’s family

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.