I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad