I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
You Might Also Like
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.