I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
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text from my dad when lebron broke the record
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once