I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
You Might Also Like
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Remember folks 😂
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
A game married people play.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*