I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
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*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.