@Awk0Tacoo

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

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@dadthatwrites

british people see you with toast & are all “i love jinglewhammy hammy slammies! try it with a molly tosser & some clangy bangies on the side! i’m knackered!”

@Tierno158

Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.

@GlennyRodge

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

@jergarl

OMG
I love you
You’re the best
You left me
Did you bring me stuff
OMG
Anything I don’t care
Where have you been
I smell someone else

-Dogs

@omgthatspunny

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

@DowntimeDad

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

@EJT___

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants