I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
You Might Also Like
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.