british people see you with toast & are all “i love jinglewhammy hammy slammies! try it with a molly tosser & some clangy bangies on the side! i’m knackered!”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I love you
You’re the best
You left me
Did you bring me stuff
Anything I don’t care
Where have you been
I smell someone else
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.