I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.