Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like