Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.