I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
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*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Wait for it
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
What flavor cupcake are these