the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
You Might Also Like
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
how was your vacation
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.