@dukelongboard

I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face

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@Jarhead44

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

@lipstck_junkie

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

@JustMeTurtle

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

@GrantTanaka

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

@Michael1979

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

@TheMichaelRock

Don’t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.

@Pundamentalism

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.