I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
cat: [running around chasing a laser]
dog sniper: god damn it
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[we put our clothes back on]
Reporter: *ports again*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Don’t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.