I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
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Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
honey, bring out the fine china.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
The “baby” on the left….
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Plant care tips
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property