I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
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I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.