Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

become ungovernable

much to think about

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream