Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.