I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
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Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
pictures of spider-man
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
tis the season
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Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…