I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
A comic by Dan Piraro
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb