I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
🙂🙃🥹
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?