@breatheandlove

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

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@OllyiConic

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

@whatbabytalk

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

@Sassafrantz

Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

@bees_wingz

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

@LifeUnPinterest

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

@OfficeofSteve

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth