I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

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prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news


Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.


Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.


Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”


Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.


I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.


HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth


Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth