I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho