Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Moms. The original autocorrect.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?