Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

saw this in a dream

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

thinking about this

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

They’re the worst 😩

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son