Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.