Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn