I created you as mosquito food.
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Awwwww shit.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Be the reason someone burns sage.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’