I created you as mosquito food.
You Might Also Like
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now