I created you as mosquito food.
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On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.