I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
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[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
not seeing the problem
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…