I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
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Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My last name is Zilla.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
